https://youtu.be/v47ffaFV8eE
The Ballad of Maximillian
by Chris Herron
“Look squire, yon maiden has lost her purse to the sulfurous waters of the Golakka hot springs.” Maximillian pulled his horse to face back down the hill he had just mounted. “Let us sally forth, the damsels of Un’Goro require our aid! FOR DOLORIA!”
Nikkhi watched as the ‘Knight’ turned and charged down the other side of the hill, leaving her to traverse the vine riddled terrain on foot. She gave a small huff, and reluctantly began to follow him. It might not have been so bad, were it not for the fact that she stood barely three feet tall. Goblins may have evolved in the jungle, but she was a city gal and all this green gave her the willies.
She shifted her heavy pack, stumbling a little as she did. She had no idea what was in this heavy bag, as she had been tasked with the “un-knightly” duty of carrying his belongings while this so called knight “dispensed justice across the land”.
This certainly wasn’t how she envisioned spending her summer holidays. A freak engineering accident, and she lost all of her gear, including her map. In the heat of the sweltering jungle she stopped by a campfire to ask directions, and the next thing she knew, Sir Maximillian of Northshire had dubbed her his person squire. Despite the headache it caused, she was still hopelessly lost in this massive forest, and decided to play along.
Nikkhi crested the hill and approached the edge of a lake, bubbling with a foul stench and waves of heat pouring off the surface. A woman with waist length golden hair and a crimson red robe was trying to fish a wooden box out of the water using a tree branch.
Maximillian trotted his horse directly up to the damsel in distress. “Maiden! Fear not, I seek only to steady the quiver in thine lower lip. Is that your purse that floats ‘pon the waters of the Golakka Hot Springs, so agonizingly close yet so perilously far away?”
As the woman turned, Nikkhi’s mouth fell open. She wasn’t a woman at all, but a surprisingly pretty male blood elf.
He raised a long eyebrow, looking up the the still grinning, armor-clad knight. “What? Yes, that’s my… crate. And I’m not a-”
“You’re not a what? Not available?” Maximillian gave him a winning smile. “Worry not, for my heart belongs only to the lady Doloria, though one as fair as you must command the hearts of many.” For a split second the knight’s smile turned almost regretful, as though sad that this beautiful woman would never know love from a man such a he. With a magnanimous wave and a partial bow, Maximillian gestured to Nikkhi. “My squire will retrieve your purse for you.”
Nikkhi blanched. “What?! But… that water’s boiling!” She looked back and forth between the smiling knight and the rather put-out elf. Both gazed at her expectantly. “I have the shortest arms!” Nothing. They continued to stare at her, clearly unconcerned for her well being. With an irritable sigh, Nikkhi snatched the tree branch from the elf.
Fifteen minutes, several second degree burns and one enthusiastic pretty boy later, Nikkhi trudged down a path beside the mounted knight. The knight looked very pleased with himself and sighed with satisfaction. “Our duty is fulfilled. Even so, it troubles me that today’s damsels were less than gracious… Only the fair-haired one by the lake managed to show any gratitude for our chivalry. Perhaps tomorrow’s damsels will have thankfulness to match their beauty.”
Nikkhi grimaced. “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that… Do you ever get the feeling that maybe you, oh, I don’t know, shouldn’t save every damsel you come across?”
Maximillian shot a confused look at his companion. “While my heart beats only for my lady Doloria, a damsel in distress cannot be ignored.”
“Remember that gal earlier today who was being stalked by a hatchling phoenix…”
Maximillian smiled. “Oh, I remember it well! I smote that foul creature with much fury. Curiously, the bird did not become flame and ash. A phoenix that does not become flame and ash ‘pon its slaying is a dire omen indeed.”
“Or, maybe, it could be because it wasn’t a phoenix, but her pet parrot. And then there was that human lady up on that cliff…”
Maximillian shot her a disappointed scowl. “Now, now. That wasn’t my fault. You, my young squire, were supposed to catch her before she hit the bottom.”
“I was standing right next to you at the top of the cliff!”
Maximillian waved his hand dismissively. “It is not the outcome, but the intent that matters most.”
“Not remotely true.”
“Justice had a name today, and that name was Maximillian of Northshire.” The knight offered her a patronizing smile. “Put these thoughts aside for now. You must prepare yourself, good squire, for together we shall plunge our fists elbow-deep into what they call adventure! The teeth and scales of Un’Goro’s greatest dragon await us.”
“You’re insane, you know that, right?”
Maximillian gave a hearty laugh, hauling the tiny goblin up to sit behind him on the horse. “Insane for justice! Now, to battle! FOR DOLORIA!”
Nikkhi clung to the knight as she bounced dangerously on the galloping horse, the heavy pack threatening to pull] her to the ground.
Luckily, it wasn’t long before Maximillian wrenched back on the reins, bringing his horse to a stop as they rounded a rock formation. “I see the dragon up ahead. She is larger than I had first anticipated”
Nikkhi, a little greener in the face than usual, peaked her head around the knight. Alarm bells went off in her mind. She had heard the tales of the wildlife in Un’Goro Crater, of how, trapped in time between it’s surround walls, they remained unchanged. Most of the locals knew them as ‘Dinosaurs’. But the sheer amount of teeth she was gazing up at belonged to the undisputed kings of the thunder lizards. “That… that’s not a dragon. That’s a Devilsaur!”
Maximillian bristled with anticipation. “The time we have waited for is upon us, Squire Nikhi. Un’goro’s brood mother will perish at my hands. The gravity of our task weighs heavily on me, but with the power of the Light behind us, we are guaranteed to succeed.”
“What?!” Nikkhi hissed in a whisper. “Are you insane? We need to get out of here!”
Maximillian responded by pressing his heels into the sides of his trusty steed, charging out into the open to confront the beast. “Hear me out! I am Maximillian of Northshire, and I have come to deliver you. Your blood shall fill-”
The world around them seemed to vibrate, rocks shattered, trees quaked, and every sensible creature in a three mile radius fled for it’s life as a thundering roar shook the entirety of Un’Goro Crater. Thankfully, the knight’s horse was a sensible creature, and bolted in the opposite direction. It’s powerful stride left it’s two passengers holding on for dear life.
Maximillian chanced a quick look over his shoulder. “Great Uther’s Ghost, it’s chasing after us! Squire, do something! Throw rocks at it! I have no plan!”
Nikkhi looked around, wide eyed and panicked, as the landscape whipped past them in a blur. “What rocks?!”
“In the pack!”
Nikkhi managed to work the pack in front of her and opened the flap at the top. Inside it contained a few sundries, some knickknacks, and a large quantity of rocks. “Why do you have– no, you know what, I don’t even care right now!”
Gripping the horse as tight as she could with her tiny little legs, Nikkhi began heaving rocks over her shoulder in the direction of the rampaging lizard. Most missed, several bounced off it’s armored belly, and one mysteriously managed to smack Maximillian before being hurled at the beast behind them. Nikkhi even tossed the pack itself for good measure. “Ok, we’re out of rocks. Got any other bright ideas?”
“Run faster?”
Nikkhi glared daggers into the back of the knights head.
“Wait, I have an idea! Throw my Light-blessed shield at the beast!” Maximillian shifted in his seat, passing the metal triangle back.
Nikkhi shrugged. Why not? Turning around as far as she dared, the little goblin took aim and flung the shield like a discus. Nikkhi watched as it caught the air, spun like a graceful frying pan, and smacked right into the ugly mug of the fifty foot monster. It stumbled, loosing a bit of ground and roared in fury.
“That shield toss worked remarkably well. Quickly, throw my holy shoulder-plate!”
Nikkhi looked back to find Maximillian already handing her his bulky shoulder pouldron. Again, she chucked the piece of metal at the dinosaur. This one was less effective, but managed to enrage the beast and caused it to put on a burst of speed, regaining what little ground it had lost.
“I have managed to remove my gloves. You may lob them at our foe.”
With a well aimed toss, the gloves managed to slap the beast right across the cheek. While it did no damage, the devilsaur did seem a bit more affronted than it had before.
“The ironclad heel of my armored boot should prove to be quite destructive.”
Sadly, it did not.
“Eat my other shoulder-plate, vile lizard!”
This time, the devilsaur was so close on their heals, Nikkhi was able to repeatedly whack it with the piece of metal before it slipped from her grasp.
“If you can heft my breastplate, then throw it! Throw it for Doloria!”
The devilsaur’s maw opened wide, swooping down to snatch Nikkhi from the back of the horse. She managed to heft the bulky chest-piece above her head, wedging it between the monsters upper and lower jaw. It slowed, tossing it’s head back and forth, furiously trying to extract the foreign object.
Nikkhi slapped the near naked knight on the back. “It’s working! Hand me another piece!”
“This is quickly becoming humiliating… and drafty. Hopefully my leg plates shall deal the deathblow.”
Unsure how the knight had removed his metal trousers while remaining mounted on the horse, Nikkhi tossed them at the confused creature. The plate pantaloons caught the beast on the shin, then tangled in the claws of it’s left foot. This, combined with the shaking of its head. Was enough to cause the queen of all lizards to stumble and fall, crashing into the forest floor like a force of nature.
To celebrate their victory, they didn’t slow their gallop until they were on the other side of the massive jungle.
Bringing his trusted mount to a stop, the knight, in his slightly soiled boxers, helped Nikkhi to the ground. “The day is saved! Huzzah! Today we learned that while armor can be replaced, Valor has no price.”
Nikkhi staggered a few woozy feet and leaned up against a tree, her lunch threatening to make a second appearance. Gods, she hated horses. “Not the lesson I would have taken away from that, but whatever.”
Maxximillian looked down upon his tiny companion, pride shinning in his eyes. “Because of your key involvement in this task, I hereby graduate you from squire to fledgling knight. No longer do the chains of servitude bind you to me: You are free to serve other masters.”
Nikkhi gave him a withering stare. “Does that mean I don’t have to carry your rock collection anymore?”
Maximillian laughed and swung himself back onto his horse. “Go with honor, young hero! For chivalry, the light, and the beauty of Doloria!”
Nikkhi watched as the deranged buffoon rode away into the sunset, his undershorts flapping heroically in the breeze. It wasn’t until he disappeared completely that she realized, she still had no idea how to escape this wretched jungle.
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