The Final Days of the Last Human on Earth

The events that follow concern the last human being on Earth.

Around the time of the death of the last human being on Earth, there were 16,160,433,210 people in Heaven and 16,395,099,346 people in Hell. The last human being on Earth was being cast away from Earth to join the 16,395,099,346 in Hell.

The last human being on Earth was 35 years old at the time of his death. Incidentally, had he lived to 90 years old, he would have been a convert to Christianity and entered Heaven. Nonetheless, God chose for him to die and go to Hell.

The last human being on Earth had disproved Christianity, according to flawed calculations, by analyzing the following text from the New And Revised Bible, Edition 29: “And Heaven shall be a symphony of beautiful music: Andrea Bocelli and “Over The Rainbow” will play at epic volumes”. This sounded like Hell to him, hence Heaven could not exist; he proved this theorem mathematically. In actuality, Heaven did exist, but only those people of the sort who thought Andrea Bocelli and “Over The Rainbow” sounded at all appealing were eligible to go. Those who would have preferred a Heaven of Wagner and Stockhausen were nearly always nonbelievers; hence they went to Hell.

Nonetheless, there was an increase in the ratio of people entering Heaven during the last century of Earth’s existence. At one point prior to the final century, there were 16,132,523,901 people in Hell and 9,201,550,323 people in Heaven. Fortunately for the humans who were adherents, Christianity had returned as the dominant religion in the final century: virtually everyone alive believed in it. As such, Bocelli was recognized as the greatest musician of all time, and Saint Thomas Kinkade was recognized as the greatest artist of all time. Saint Thomas Kinkade was canonized by the Church on April 6, 2539.

Saint Thomas Kinkade sat up in Heaven, watching the influx of people join him during that last century, all of whom revered him as a Saint. “For some time, it seemed that Heaven was nearly full”, said the canonized saint. “But now it seems the gates are open, and billions pour in. It seems the forces of Light have prevailed over the forces of Darkness in the human heart. Bocelli and the Light have prevailed over Beethoven, Van Gogh, and the heathens”.

The billions of new arrivals to Heaven gazed upward as Bocelli played his beautiful music while Thomas Kinkade painted a giant canvas, just as had been prophesied in the New and Revised Bible.

The turning point – the turning point for human history in general – was the annual World Painting Rankings held by the National Delegation of Art Critics, A.D. 2537. The Mona Lisa had been ranked at the top of the list of the World’s Greatest Paintings for 391 years, but Saint Thomas Kinkade’s Mickey and Minnie at Lighthouse Cove had been ascending in the rankings. In the year A.D. 2536, the convention ranked it second. This year, the delegation talked among themselves about its placement.

“Which is better”, asked their leader, “Mona Lisa or Mickey and Minnie at Lighthouse Cove?” “Mickey and Minnie at Lighthouse Cove”, came the reply. Everyone nodded in agreement. “It has more light in it than the Mona Lisa”. The Mona Lisa was demoted to second place. Over time, the Mona Lisa would fall off the list entirely, and various other Kinkade paintings – Sleeping Beauty Dancing in the Enchanted Light, Mickey and Minnie in the Alps, Mickey and Minnie at Sweetheart Cove, Dreams Come True, Wishes Granted, and Winnie the Pooh I and II – would enter. Da Vinci, burning in Hell, watched the rankings change with agony.

Saint Thomas Kinkade’s death day – April 6, 2012 – became a national holiday. Christians believe that on that fateful night, Thomas Kinkade’s soul physically ascended to Heaven, where he began, upon entering, painting the Great Canvas that adorns Heaven’s Walls. Some Christians also believe that Thomas Kinkade’s paintings were painted by God, and that Saint Thomas Kinkade was merely the Instrument God chose to create art on Earth.

It is logical that Kinkade was the Instrument God chose to give Earth its artistic masterpieces. Early society was an age of torture and war. Middle society largely abandoned lynchings and auto da fes, but still revered immoral works such as the Rite of Spring. Hence it was only natural that Late Society would reach its most advanced form: Thomas Kinkade and the Light. Kinkade lived in Middle society and hence was rejected by the primitive art collectors, fans of such works as The Garden of Earthly Delights and The Scream, but Saint Thomas Kinkade’s work was prophetic: it contained a true beauty those lower life forms could not see, for their limited vision could see only Darkness, not Light, much as a blind person lives in a perpetual state of darkness because their eyes are not equipped to see the light around them.

As God prepared to cast the last person on Earth into Hell, he turned to Thomas Kinkade, the Painter of Light, still painting the Great Canvas, and said: “I’m going to have to send the last person on Earth to Hell. He doesn’t believe in Light. If I were to let him live into senility, he would convert to Christianity, buy several Thomas Kinkade paintings, and go to Heaven. But I’m tired of the human race. I don’t want him to live any longer”. The Painter of Light stopped and pondered what God had said. He was focusing on a detail of Mickey Mouse frolicking outside a well lit cottage. The Christians watched the majestic, beautiful scene, the overwhelming outpouring of Light coming from Saint Kinkade’s Heavenly brush, with tears in their eyes. Bocelli, Celine Dion, Frank Sinatra the 35^th and Israel “Iz” Kamakawiwo’ole joined in a stirring version of “Over The Rainbow” as more tears of happiness and Light spilled. The Painter of Light could offer no rebuttal. If one could not accept the Light, and the Painter of Light, one must go to Hell.

The final statistics were: 16,160,433,210 people in Heaven, 16,395,099,347 in Hell.

Among all organisms, there were more souls in Heaven than Hell. Most dandelions went to Heaven. Most ants went to Heaven. Most frogs went to Heaven. Most butterflies went to Hell. Most cattails went to Hell. Most amoebas went to Hell. Most trilobites went to Heaven.

A spiritual battle was being fought. God, Saint Thomas Kinkade, and Andrea Bocelli were trying to crush Satan, Beethoven, and Da Vinci, to smother them and their ilk with the Great Canvas, to turn all the cosmos into pure light. It was prophesied that they will succeed.