Missing at Language-to-Language

This should have been a standard in-and-out land and unload, but when I backed my hovercart out of the planet hopper, there wasn’t supposed to be an oversized, dinged-up red roadspeeder blocking me in. Gritting my teeth, I walked over and rapped on the window.

“You need to move!” I said loudly, hoping my voice would travel through the window glass.

The door slid up, and out of the speeder emerged a Rathpa. Staring at me with cold, black eyes, it clicked its beak and waved its uppermost tentacles back and forth.

“I don’t understand you,” I replied slowly, enunciating every word. “Can you communicate in any Terran languages?”

Some of its lower tentacles twitched as it pulled out an off-brand holotablet. A few moments later, the tablet chirped out: “Never dirt mouths. You why Cmnoatpuparnra?”

I sighed, fumbling for my own tablet. My company paid for a better translation engine than the default ones on most devices. But when I tabbed through the menu, the Cmnoatpuparnra option had a measly two-star rating. 

I pinched the bridge of my nose. All I needed to do was tell this person to move their speeder. Hopefully, this would be good enough. I typed in a simple “Move your speeder.” The tablet displayed “purapolrra thacpacmra atacpoespauth”, emitting a series of clicks, squishing sounds, and screeches.

The Rathpa lashed its tentacles back and forth, moving in closer. I stepped back, instinctively shielding myself with my tablet. When they fell silent, my tablet rendered their monologue as: “Place is me to make great of side-person for crate. Not thou me leave on noun for myself.”

Whatever that was supposed to mean, they weren’t leaving, so this wasn’t working. I hurriedly pressed the help icon to connect to a translation representative.

A smiling human filled the screen. “Tada Translate, Arrys here,” she said brightly. “We hope you’re having a Happy Stellar Alignment Fest, Ms. Carter. How may I be of service?”

I gestured toward the Rathpa as I sent over the video transcript of our attempted conversation up to now. “Can you please tell them to move their speeder? It’s blocking my delivery ship.”

“Certainly.” She cleared her throat and created sounds I never knew the human larynx was capable of. The Rathpa intertwined its tentacles, clicking and screeching.

“What are they saying?”

“He says,” the representative replied brightly, “that he intends to grind your bones to powder.”

“WHAT?”

Arrys looked aside, staring at a screen. “I probably should have started with the transcript,” she said chipperly. “He already told you he wants to make you into mulch.”

“To… to mulch?” Hands shaking, I reviewed the transcript on my end. “The auto-text didn’t sound anything like –”

“Amnopuatac means ‘mulch’. It got rendered as amnoatac: ‘great.’ The vocabulary database really needs updating.” Her smile didn’t waver.

I backed away slowly, trying to remember company protocols for threats of violence. The Rathpa was a good foot taller than me, and their tentacles were notoriously strong thanks to the high-pressure depths their species evolved in. If this wasn’t just bluster, I’d be lucky to walk away.

The Rathpa clicked out another message, and the representative responded in kind.

“Now what?”

“He asked if this is being recorded, since it would be my word against his otherwise,” she replied promptly. “Recording is only an option for Premium subscribers, and this is only a Plus account.”

“How much for a Premium account?” I asked urgently, stepping further back and trying to pull up the payment tab. My hands were shaking so much that I accidentally pulled up a calculator instead. I hurriedly closed it, biting back curses.

“It’s on sale, so only a 10% increase on top of your current subscription. Oh, and I’d stay still if I were you,” Arrys urged, still smiling. “Rathpas see fleeing as a sign of weakness.”

Rooted to the ground, my heart pounded faster and faster. Cargo delivery wasn’t supposed to be dangerous. It wasn’t even supposed to be a people-facing position (at least not on my end of things). How did I end up facing down someone who would murder me for asking him to move his speeder?

“Tell him I’m sorry,” I whispered, slowly reaching for my CredCard. “I’ll wait in the ship until he leaves.”

The representative relayed my words: “Acra flpoogfl oguno rnpara,” according to the transcript. The Rathpa curled his tentacles tighter around himself, clicking his beak rapidly.

“That’s a sign of aggression,” she informed me. “A show of strength. He says you’re next, but your lrnopucmraespotcpura tcurnog – Sorry, your ‘brittle bones’ won’t be able to handle it.”

Beads of sweat rolled down my forehead. I couldn’t speak, or even move; my hand froze over the tablet. My only hope was Arrys, who continued to exchange dialogue with him. Maybe she could convince him to stand down.

“He says you should get an atesogrgth – ‘burial site’, sorry.” She shrugged. “He simply won’t listen to reason. Is there anything else I can do to help? I see your payment form is incomplete.”

My head filled with a high-pitched humming noise. My legs trembled. I was going to faint. I couldn’t faint. I had to run, or fight, or something. But my body wasn’t listening to me.

The Rathpa raised all his tentacles into the air, shrieking and clicking. Another Rathpa emerged from a nearby ship, barreling toward me. An accomplice. He had an accomplice. This was it. This was how I would die.

My knees gave out. I curled into a ball, covering my head with both hands. I held my breath as their voices got louder and louder, bracing myself for their attack. This was it. This was how I would die.

The doors slammed shut, and the roadspeeder roared away.

I rose to my feet unsteadily, staring in confusion as the speeder shrank to a red dot on the horizon. They left. Why had they spared me? Stumbling back to my hovercart, I laughed giddily. It didn’t matter. I was alive.

“Fireblast,” muttered the translator.

Slowly I turned, each step as measured as my breathing, as I retrieved my discarded holotablet. “What did you just say?”

“Fireblast, I’m glad you’re safe!” she replied hastily. “Would you like to upgrade to Premium in case something like this happens again? I’m all set to process, and I just need a crednumber to –”

I ended the call. Instead of filling out the review form that popped up, I punched the “Request Supervisor Review” button. I hated being that customer, but something was wrong.

A woman with gray-streaked brown hair flickered into view. “Good evening, and Happy Stellar Alignment Fest! Please wait a moment while I review the recording.”

Too late, I replied, “The… recording?” But my tablet already displayed a waiting screen. As I waited, suspicion fueled the anger pumping heat through my veins.

“I am so sorry!” The supervisor flickered back into view, adjusting her glasses. “She told Ampoesnp – the Rathpa – you wanted to harvest his organs for the black market.”

“She WHAT?”

“He was halfway through giving his crednumber when his friend showed up,” she muttered, typing furiously.

“Are you telling me all this was to… get us to buy a Premium account?”

The supervisor’s face turned passive. “Your review has been processed,” she rattled off. “Would you like to file a complaint against the representative who assisted you?”

“YES!”

“Thank you for using Tada Translates. We’ll contact you if we require further information for our investigation,” she concluded, breathless. “Have a Happy Stellar Alignment Fest!”

The screen went dark.

I paced back and forth, taking deep breaths and counting to ten. Arrys would get hers, but that was small comfort when those two Rathpas still thought I was a homicidal organ harvester. Hopefully I wouldn’t run into them on my rounds, or I’d end up even more delayed than I already was.

At least I’d gotten what I wanted: the Rathpa had moved his speeder, and there was no chance he’d come back to block me in again.